


'Til Our Compass Stands Still

by Merlin_OhMy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bi-Sexual Steve Rogers, Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Fix-It of Sorts, Friendship, Gay James "Bucky" Barnes, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt Steve Rogers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marriage, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Protective Tony Stark, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Terminal Illnesses, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-29 14:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11443218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merlin_OhMy/pseuds/Merlin_OhMy
Summary: When Steve lost Barnes again, part of him felt at peace and another forever at war. He would  miss part of himself until his own death. Rogers distances himself from the world but something drags him back to NYC despite his vow never to return. Seven years after Bucky's death, Steve discovers a letter with clues leading him on the journey of a lifetime.





	1. Prologue

Death came crashing in, unexpectedly for the couple. Bucky had made his decision, he would go under cryo-freeze again, and T'challa's medical team would find a cure. As much as it broke Steve's heart, he honored Bucky's wish. After all, Bucky hadn't gotten to make his own choices for decades, and Steve wasn't going to take the dignity of choice away. However, in hindsight, Steve wishes cryo-freeze had been the answer.

During the medical team's evaluation of Barnes' health, they discovered extensive brain tissue damage. The longer Barnes remained conscious, his episodes began to manifest themselves with violent and devastating results. He would have terrible migraines, considering his extreme pain tolerance, these headaches were like someone drilling into his skull.

The migraines morphed into epileptic events and loss of consciousness. No combinations of meds worked to control the seizures; Barnes' health continued to decline. Eventually, the loss of consciousness developed from several hours to several weeks at a time.

The medical team monitored his condition and declared Barnes only had a few months left to live. Ultimately, the time would come when Barnes wouldn't wake up from one of his spells. Barnes came to terms with his death, Rogers, on the other hand, struggled.

They decided to make the best of whatever time Barnes had left.

It seemed like such a no-brainer, Steve and Bucky got married. The couple made plans to travel to the Barnes' Family Farm located in rural Pennsylvania. Through palliative care, Bucky began pain meds to control his pain so he could enjoy the remainder of his life.

The little yellow farmhouse became their escape; Steve kept himself busy with household chores. Bucky spent days curled in bed with the sunshine coming through the window. Steve often found Bucky curled up with a good book and hot tea. They felt at home with the vast apple orchid, beautiful pond, and their many animals. Steve adopted a family of kittens and their mama for the barn. His constant companion became a spotted brown and black dog named Russell. 

Besty the cow faithfully churned out milk, and the rooster, Kyle woke Steve each morning. Steve grew to love his pesky hens, even if they were somewhat bossy. The chores meant Steve was out of bed and busy at the crack of dawn. But he always came back around nine am to make Bucky breakfast in bed and steal sleepy snuggles.

 

Life became simplistic, spontaneous, and filled with love.

 

The couple enjoyed riding horses, picnics, and reading through books together.

 

 Bucky taught Steve how to dance.

 

Steve took Bucky for rides in their rowboat across the pond.

 

Bucky introduced Steve to rom-com.

 

The library became a safe haven with its lack of noise and limited exposure to people.

 

Dates at Wimpy & Dee's Diner where they became regulars.

 

The boys fell in love with the town of Honey Brooke with its small town charm and people.

 

Those six months on the farm with Bucky were a dream come to true. They were a family, even after all they had been through to become one. Steve never wanted it to come to an end. Alas, his wish didn't come to pass.

 

Bucky died on a crisp September morning in Steve's arms.

 

And Steve was never quite the same ever again.

 

The funeral was small, just Steve and the priest. And Steve buried Barnes on the farm, from where his ancestors had lived. His beloved is laid to rest under a willow tree, where Steve could visit whenever he likes. The willow tree seemed fitting for Barnes' final resting place. The willow symbolizes grief, healing, and everlasting life. Bucky found peace in his death, and Steve would keep Barnes' alive in his heart as long as he lived. 

Steve never returned to the public eye, he rather liked life in Honey Brooke. He hadn't spoken to Tony or the others in years nor did he chose to carry the shield again. Steve rarely went into town, only twice a month to check the mail and purchases groceries. The captain lived a solitary life on the farm without the distractions of technology. Rogers owned a landline, but no phone nor internet.  And he liked it that way.

 

(Well, Steve always kept a direct line to Tony through his matching burner phone kept in his desk drawer.)

 

His heart feels tethered to the land which began the Barnes' family in America. The farm nurtured Barnes in his last months of life and offers Steve refuges from his overwhelming feelings.

It's home in a way Brooklyn no longer feels like.

 

Steve never planned to leave the farm nor Honey Brooke.

 

Well, that is until everything changed.

 

Seven years after Bucky's death, Steve discovered a letter hidden in the pocket of his husband's favorite jacket.

 

The letter would lead him back to a man he hadn't spoken to in years.

 

He couldn't believe his very eyes.

 

> _**Dear Steve,** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**I hoped you would one day discover this letter.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**During the final months of my life, I began to plan a surprise for you. Give Tony a call, he has the first clue. He can explain everything, but of course, part of surprise involves you actually following the clues.** _  
> 
> _**So don't expect he'll know everything.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Stark's been sworn to secrecy.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Scout's honor.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**I hope it'll help you mend your broken heart.**_
> 
>  
> 
> _**I want you to find peace, darling.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**You deserve to find a place in the world where your shoulders no longer are burdened.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Remember I'm with you until the end of the line, pal.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Love,** _
> 
> **_James B. Barnes_ **


	2. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve reunites with Tony for the first time since Siberia.

Steve took a deep breath as he climbs off the train's platform. It's a brisk fall day in New York City, a little chilly. He's glad he grabbed Bucky's worn fleeced lined dark denim jacket. Steve finds the presence of the public a little bit overwhelming when he once took comfort in being alone in a crowd. He takes comfort in the familiar scent of Bucky's jacket.

 

No one stops him in the crowd; he's always been invisible outside of Cap's stars and stripes.

 

Steve's incredibly grateful for that fact.

 

As he takes deep breathes,his curiosity overcame any anxiety and regrets he might be feeling.

 

His one regret is leaving the animals behind.  They might be well cared for by his hired ranch hand.  But his one constant though is he could be home on the farm right now with his animals. All he has to do is turn back, no one will ever know, except for Tony about his visit.

 

Leaving the farm scared him a bit, honestly, what if he doesn't feel his connection to Buck when he isn't home?

 

Steve spotted the dark-haired genius and sped walk towards him.

 

There is no turning back now.

 

He's surprised by a hug from the older man; Steve can't help but squeeze back. It's been a long time from he's been hugged. It's such a nice feeling.  Steve can't reminder the last time someone actually hugged him.

 

And they're both in tears, Steve sobs into Tony's shoulders.

 

"I'm so sorry for everything.", Steve cries.

 

"Me too. It wasn't worth it.", Tony sniffled.

 

Stark's heart thumps taking in the presence of his former friend, and captain. It's been a long time since Siberia. The memories flash before his eyes of how he left Steve beaten and bloodied in the snow. How he'd blasted Buck's arm off from his body, it sickens him.

 

Stark is a very different man that who he was then.

 

He's a better man, a better man because of James Barnes.

 

"It's okay, Stevie.", Tony whispers to Steve while reassuring himself that guilt isn't a bad thing.

 

Our faults remind us that we're still human, and being human is important.

 

Being human means, we have the capacity for love and forgiveness.

 

"Tones.", Steve sniffled, pulling himself together.

 

"Come on, let's get out of here.", Tony says guiding Steve towards the car.

 

Steve's surprised to see Happy Hogan, a familiar face despite his entire world stopping the moment he lost Bucky. It might have been seven years, but Steve hasn't taken his wedding band off. He still feels married to his soulmate; no one can change that.

 

Steve is quiet, and Tony doesn't push it.

 

From what he understands, Steve is a hermit more or less. Other than the occasional trip to town, Steve hasn't left the farm. Much less drive to nearly two hours to Philedpha and hop a train to NYC for an additional two and half hours.

Tony studies the sight of Steve, searching for some indication of what Rogers might be thinking or feeling. It keeps him busy, preventing him from feeling the need to ramble to fill the silence. Steve's face hasn't aged a day, but his eyes are much older. Sad, like he's still lost, understandably, Stark considers. After all, Steve's the only one left. Cap is the lone survivor of the Howling Commandos.

 

Everyone else is dead, and he's the only one carrying the memory of the friends he lost.

 

And the loss of Barnes devastated him, broke his heart.

 

Like a part of Steve died with Barnes, never to be recovered.

 

It's not just Steve's sadness Stark notes, but the change in his appearance. Had Tony not prepared himself for the stark change in Steve's looks, he wouldn't have recognized him. Steve sports a neatly kept beard, and his hair is longer, missing its military neatness. He styles his hair in a low taper fade with messy spikes like he runs his hairs through it on purpose.

 

Steve looks domesticated, wholesome, and country boy in the middle of the big city. It kind of suits him, the dark wash jeans with a green plaid button-down rolled to his elbows with Carhartt work boots. He wears denim on denim but on Steve; it isn't a fashion sin. It works for him, so does the golden wedding band. Like it belongs right where it is.

 

Steve speaks when he's ready, and Tony is suddenly very relieved he didn't rush Rogers.

 

"Why?", Steve asked, his voice breaks, and eyes filled with tears.

 

"Because Bucky loves you so much that he gave me a call."

 

"You didn't haven't to do any of this."

 

"It's what he said to me, Steve. It changed my entire life.", Tony explains, thinking of his son and how his whole life shifted for the better.

 

"What did Bucky say to you?"

 

"He told me, I didn't have to forgive him. But Barnes advised I consider forgiveness not for him, but for me."

 

"Did you forgive him?" "

 

Yeah, Steve I did."

 

"I don't understand.", Steve's eyebrows furrowed together.

 

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die, Steve."

 

Steve meets Tony's eyes, filled with a new appreciation for the other man.

 

"If it's okay with you, we're going to stay in the tower.", Tony smiles softly.

 

Steve nods, twisting his ring nervously.

 

"Can you explain to me, what's going on?", he asks.

 

"Sure. I think I better start from the beginning."

 

Steve maintains eye contact, and Tony takes no objection as a sign to continue.

 

"Before Bucky died, he gave me a phone call. He wanted to get his affairs in order, make sure you were taken care of."

 

"I guess somethings don't change.", Steve smiles sadly.

 

. "He knew I had the legal team so I put him in contact with New York's finest, Murdock and Nelson. They helped him draft his will, and tie up loose ends."

 

"I had no idea he spoke to you until I found the letter."

 

"He loved you, Steve. And Barnes wanted to be sure you had people to look out for you."

 

"Why radio silence for seven years?"

 

"You tell me, big guy."

 

"Fair enough.", Steve didn't sound angry, just curious.

 

"I waited until you were ready to reach out.", Tony adds.

 

"Thank you for honoring both of our wishes."

 

"It's the least I could do."

 

Steve visibly relaxed.

 

"Barnes is the reason I became everything I am today."

 

"Who are you Tony Stark?" "

 

I'm just a parent managing a company with the hope of making the world a better place for people like my kid.", Tony smiles sincerely.

 

And maybe, Steve feels a little less lost knowing Bucky had his hand in this trip. 

 

Whatever this is.

 

To Be Continued.


	3. Exhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony gives Steve the first clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this chapter on July 10th as an early update for July 11th. I hope that clears things up.
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy!

Steve's shoulders were relaxed, seeming at ease. He took it all; Bucky had made plans for Steve's trip to NYC. Steve feels warmed with overflowing love but a pang of sadness, an emptiness that Barnes isn't here to see everything unravel. Grief is like an ocean; sometimes he finds himself drowning in sorrow. It's strange how your heart heals over time, yet how wounds can suddenly reopen.

 

And Tony, what a surprise.

 

Tony is happier than Steve has ever seen the dark haired man. Light shines through him, like a beacon of hope. It's not just his company's good deeds, but something Stark himself believes in. He believes in going good for the sake of goodness. Stark Industries motto became "Building A Better Tomorrow Today."

 

Stark employs immigrants, minorities, people of color, veterans, young people and old people.

 

His workforce is diverse and well qualified. Stark specializes in robotics, especially the top of the line medical technology. But also he also uses his knowledge of tech for clean energy solutions

 

Tony no longer makes weapons of mass destruction.

 

His favorite projects include artificial organs, prosthetics, and mobility advancements.

 

Steve listens to Tony speak about the work of Stark Industries with a sense of pride. He's glad that Tony is his friend, and loves seeing how much happier, and healthier the genius is. Cap watches the cityscape expectantly for the sight of the tower. And when he does, Steve tries to commit the sight to memory. He wants to redraw the memory and present it as a gift.

 

"Welcome to Stark Industries, Rogers .", Tony smiles.

 

"Wow!", Steve was in awe and wonder.

 

It's the tower, alright.

 

But but it's different, new with the warmth of the people that greet him in the lobby.

 

The building is sleek, cutting edge but not cold and lonely. The doorman calls the genius, Tony instead of Mr. Stark. The doorman, Roger is in his late sixties, he even addresses the Captain.

 

It's strange being called Captain again; it's been years since someone recognized him as Captain America. It feels good but also hurts. Because that's not who he is anymore, not who Steve wants ever to be again, Steve Rogers is a better man than Captain America any day.

 

The two speak for a moment, and Steve feels a sense of belonging. Roger, the doorman, is named after Captain Rogers. It appears the doorman's father served alongside the 107th. The name of the father indeed sounds familiar, and Steve wonders to himself if Tony hired Roger because of his connection to the 107th.

 

Steve loves the sight of toys and a rug in the waiting room of Stark Tower's lobby. He remembers Tony mentioned having a son; he didn't feel it was his place to ask questions. But the sight of a beautiful picture of Tony and his son hangs in the center of the lobby past the information desk and towards the elevator. The boy looks so much like Tony, dark haired with bright brown eyes.

 

It makes Steve's chest ache wondering what he missed out on all these years. Not only in Tony's life, but in the rest of the Avengers. He hadn't exactly reached out to the others in the time since Bucky's death. It all happened so fast; he isn't sure he told anyone the couple had returned to America. Well, Bucky reached out, to people he didn't even know, for Steve's sake.

 

Does that make Steve a terrible person?

 

He hadn't spoken to his own friends, people he once called his family and team.

 

Tony's words brought him out of his funk; the genius noticed Steve had spaced out.

 

"Hey, earth to Cap, come in?"

 

"Hmm?", Steve wondered, turning to meet Tony's concerned eyes.

 

"You alright?", Tony asks. "Just lost in my head.", Steve clears his throat.

 

"Wanna talk about it?"

 

"Not particularly."

 

"Might make you feel better to get it off your chest.", Tony offers.

 

Steve remembers everything he's learned in grief counseling and therapy. It's okay to talk about Bucky; it's okay for other people to talk about him too. And he needs to open up, even if it hurts, talking helps us to move forward instead of backward.

 

"I'm just thinking about Bucky's last months, his death. The fact he called you, I'm not even sure I let anyone know what was going on."

 

"You didn't, Steve. But no one is angry with you.", Tony reassures.

 

"Why?", his voice breaks.

 

"You felt alone, had no one to turn to in your time of need. So you took it all on your own, but Bucky, he makes plans so that you won't be lost forever."

 

"He called you, Tony. I don't understand; you were so angry with both us, especially me."

 

"I was, then he told me he was dying. And he had one regret, the fact that he didn't get a second chance to spend his entire life with you."

 

"What changed your mind?"

 

"I listened to his concerns about you, and I offered to take a look at his medical files. That's when I knew none of this was his fault, killing my parents, being the Winter Solider.""

 

Steve's face morphed into an unreadable mask, the tears were steady, and Tony listened to Rogers' shaky breathing.

 

"You read his medical files?" , Steve wasn't angry, frustrated maybe? Afraid?

Those files contained such personal information, accounts of what Hydra did. How they broke Barnes, torn away from everything that made him James Barnes and forced him to be a monster. The struggle of how hard Barnes fought to the point they had to wipe his memories and freeze him for compliance. It made Steve sick to think even after Bucky was freed, he still had to die after years of maltreatment. Bucky deserved better, a life with Steve. And they didn't get more time.

 

"With Barnes' permission, T'challa forwarded the information to me.", Tony explains.

 

"And you couldn't save him if you couldn't, no one could.", Steve sighed.

 

"The brain damage is irreversible; I can't fix it. But I can help Barnes, and help you. It's my responsibility now, to take care of you."

 

"I don't need help."

 

"The thing is, Steve, you don't have to do this alone."

 

"I'm the only person who him before all of this.", Steve's voice thick with emotion.

 

"But you aren't the only one who knew he was good, innocent. I've spent my entire life since righting the wrong I did him. "

 

"Tony....", Steve's eyes were full of tears.

 

"I helped clear his name before he died, yours too. Barnes didn't just write a will; he gave testimony to what happened, how Zemo smeared his name with lies. The truth of why you and Barnes were at the airport. Not to fight, that was never your intention, was it?"

 

"No. I didn't want to fight you."

 

"But five winter soldiers, you had to be sure, they weren't going to cause any more problems." , Tony sighs.

 

"And Zemo, he knew about your parents. He played us, Tony, showed you that video. He played on your emotions so you'd fight me, and possibly kill me. But you didn't."

 

"Zemo is serving life in federal prison, Steve. He won't ever hurt anyone ever again." , Tony reassures.

 

"How were you able to prove Barnes innocent?"

 

"The medical files held accounts of years of abuse and torment. It wasn't hard to get a 70-year prisoner of war acquitted, and it was the right thing to do."

 

"But why help him with this scavenger hunt? You didn't have to do that."

 

"You are going to realize just how much he loved, Steve. And believe me, James Barnes loved you a whole lot.", Tony smiles.

 

Tony hands Steve a letter contains the first clue.

 

> **_Hi Stevie,_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I hope you're enjoying your visit to New York City._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_There are so many things I wish I could say to you now._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I'm sure you have so many questions._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Please, just trust me and the process, many of your questions can be answered by your friends._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Stark is here to help, and he'll guide you along as you complete this  quest._ ** ****
> 
>  
> 
> **_Yours forever,_ **
> 
> **_James_ **
> 
>  

Clue 1: Although I am originally from France, I am now the quintessential New Yorker, and even though I am over 100 years old, I have only had work done on my face once.

 

_**PS: Ain't that something, Stevie? Someone in New York is older than you.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment down below. Tell me what you think so far or what you think what will happen next etc.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	4. Lady Liberty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve solves the first riddle.

The men woke early to catch the earliest ferry to the visit Lady Liberty.

 

Steve was genuinely excited; he hadn't had the chance to visit the national park since the 1930s.

 

Ellis Island continued to welcome immigrants until 1954. The gorgeous Statue Of Liberty who greeted them became designated as a National Monument in 1924.

 

It meant the world to Steve to be in a place that he felt so connected to his mother. He could imagine her in this place over a hundred years ago.

 

She arrived in America through Ellis Island, looking for a better life in 1910. Sarah Rogers was young, barely a woman, only 19 years old.She married a Catholic Irishman named Joseph in 1912. They settled in Brooklyn, where Joseph worked on the docks.Joseph enlisted in the war effort in the of winter of 1916. Sarah discovered her pregnancy three months after his deployment.

 

In July of 1917, while her husband was an ocean away in France, she gave birth to her son.And her husband died before Steve's first birthday of medical complications from his wartime service. Steve often thinks of Sarah's bravery to provide a life for her family. And how she must've felt after losing her husband at such a young age.

 

And here he is, a widower himself. Steve wasn't much older than her when he lost Bucky seven years ago.

 

It's strange to think he's lived more days than Bucky now.

 

And the feelings of love outweigh grief. A deeper appreciate and love developing for his husband; Bucky had surprised Steve so much. Steve never expected a grand gesture of love from beyond Barnes' grave.

  
Steve enjoys his visit to Ellis Island and is tickled to hear Tony has one more surprise for him.

  
Barnes had booked tickets for Steve to enjoy a helicopter ride over the statue.

 

"I hate to think of how Barnes is going to continue to top your expectation for future dates.", Tony teases making Steve chuckle.

 

"God, Tones, Bucky has always been a showman."

 

"Tell me about him.", Tony smiles.

 

"We double dated, he found girls to court so we could go out. I hate that so much!"

 

"Jealous type?"

 

"For sure. I hated seeing those girls with hands all over my man! All I wanted to do was kiss him and claim him as mine."

 

"And it's not like you could do anything in public.", Tony nods, acknowledging how illegal it was to be seen as a gay couple in the 1940s.

 

"Believe me. I made sure Barnes knew what he did to me when we got home.", Steve teases.

 

"TMI, Steve! Aren't you suppose to be a shining example of goodness?", Stark exasperates in a joking tone.

 

Steve's entire body is relaxed, at ease. Tony loves seeing this side of Steve, the one where he's a person instead of his Captain America persona.

 

  
"His apologies included over the top sappy romantic things."

 

  
"I believe it."

 

"After all, he orchestrated this entire trip for me." Steve smiled.

  
The men enjoyed lunch at a cafe on the island, where Steve enjoyed seeing pictures of James "Jamie" Stark, Tony's son. Tony was so proud of his four-year-old son and his fighting spirit.

 

"Jamie has always been a fighter; he was born eight weeks premature with a malformation in his heart. He had needed a heart transplant before he was even six months old."

 

"Wow. I had no idea, Tony."

 

"Jamie had hypoplastic left heart syndrome, despite attempts to surgically repair his heart. His health continued to decline into heart failure."

 

"Is that why Stark Industries developed artificial hearts?"

 

"Yes, my son was able to receive a neonatal heart transplant. But so many people remain on the waiting list, and I wanted to give them a second chance."

 

"That's amazing, Tony."

 

  
"I'm delighted you think so Steve."

 

Steve could've listened to Tony talk all day long. But alas, Tony explained they had one more surprise in store. And Rogers couldn't imagine what might come next.

 

His heart already felt so full.

 

They met with their pilot, and Steve was surprised to see Nat in the cockpit.

 

"Rogers!", she beams throwing her arms around him.

 

"Tasha....", he sniffled hugging her tight.

 

They held each other until both found their legs to be steady again.

 

"Don't you ever disappear again, Steve. I miss you too much.", Nat wipes way her tears.

 

"God, I missed you so much." Steve was just as much of a mess as Nat.

 

Once everyone's tears dried, Natasha told Steve about her life since Siberia.

 

She left Shield and her past behind to start over.

 

Unable to carry children and unwilling to settle down, Natasha opened a dance studio where she began to teach and nurture children who became like her own.

Despite her profound sadness for her infertility, Natasha feels a great sense of pride for her girls and supports countless students as they continue to grow and mature in their progress.

 

Natasha loves her life in Hell's Kitchen in spite of its rough edges. She has a lot in common with her borough. Tough as nails, trying to survive even with incredible challenges.

 

Nat shares with Steve the efforts of Murdock and Nelson to make their community a better place. While there is still work to be done, they're making great strides in the continual battle for progress.

  
Steve takes so many pictures with his camera while they're in the air.  And he wants to draw Bucky into the picture Tony took of Steve during their visit.  He beams with excitement at the prospect of picking art back up again. Steve feels more alive than he's felt in years. And he can't help but quietly thank Bucky for bringing his friends and excitement back into his life. 

 

Bucky is a breath of fresh air, and Steve is so thankful he fell in love with such a kind, self-less human being.

>  
> 
> **_Hi Steve,_ **
> 
> **_I hope you enjoyed your visit. The Statue of Liberty sure is pretty, ain't she? I wonder what your Ma must've thought coming into New York Habor all those years ago._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Where in New York City do you travel up to 65 miles per hour, and yet always end up where you have started?_ **
> 
>   
>  **_PS: You remember throwing up on the Cyclone?_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Love,_ **
> 
> **_James_ **


	5. Coney Island

Steve hadn't visited Coney Island since before the war and was beaming with excitement to be there. He had lunch at Nathan's Famous with Tony, how he loves chili dogs! And he doesn't get heartburn anymore, the marvel of his enhanced super soldier body.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about Steve's visit is how connected he feels to Bucky in New York. It's unexpected; New York City once seemed filled with cobwebs and ghosts from his past. But here, Steve feels alive, and he enjoys seeing Bucky's handiwork revealed to him. Bucky had planned out the details of this trip for him! As they sat under the striped umbrella shaded table, Steve couldn't help but tear up.

Bucky's last trip to Coney Island with Steve was before shipping out in the fall of 1940. And the weather had been so similar to todays. The sun was shining with a warm balmy breeze about seventy degrees. The final hints of summertime weather before falls' chill. No jacket needed, just t-shirts and jeans. "Stevie, you alright?" "Yeah, Tony.", Steve laughs despite the tears.

"What is it?"

"Today is perfect, Tony. Just like the last time Bucky and I visited in September of 1941."

 

"Just you and him?"

 

"Yeah, no dates. Just me and my best guy."

 

"I bet you loved that."

 

"One of our last outings before he shipped out." , Steve sniffled.

 

"Grief is hard. It's yours, own it, Steve. It's okay to feel. That means your human."

 

"I'm not the only person in New York who misses a loved one.", Steve sighs.

 

"Yet it feels like your entire world stopped and everyone kept on moving."

 

"My husband died September 7th, 2017 and it's been seven years. It never gets easier, Tony."

 

"I'm still not over my parents dying. Christmas fucks me up, even now that I'm a parent and there's someone who brightens up my world. I know the loss of my parents isn't like losing your husband, but grief, Steve, I understand the feeling." Tony squeezed Steve's hand reassuringly.

They sat there as long as Steve needed. He hadn't spoken aloud about that day with anyone.

 

"I knew Bucky was dying. There are signs, his body shut down. His breathing slowed, I was so afraid he'd die while I was asleep, so I spent the entire night up with him."

"And it wrecked you, didn't it?"

"Oh yeah. I said goodbye so many times, and the entire room got still. I can't explain it; death feels just like a baby being born. It's the silence, the way the world stops for just a moment." , Steve's breath trembled.

"It changes everything.", Tony agreed. Tony wasn't there when his parents died, but he remembers being 18 alone and afraid. The moment that wrecks him is having to identify his parents' corpses in the cold morgue.

 

They just sit in the silence for a moment, and Steve wipes away his tears with his hand. And the world goes on; he pulls himself together to face the next moment.

 

"What would you like do today?", Tony asks.

 

"I want to ride the Cyclone, get ice cream on the boardwalk, and visit the memorial."

 

"We can do that."

 

Steve doesn't throw up the Cyclone this time. Instead, he shrieks with delight and enjoys himself. And the memory doesn't hurt this time; he feels Bucky in this place unafraid.

Coney Island meant a whole lot to them growing up. It's changed with time, but it still feels right, like home. Just like how two Brooklyn boys changed with what the world threw at them. But they're still Steve and Bucky, two idiots in love, despite all odds. A phrase echoed a lifetime ago still holds barring for Steve's heart. Til the end of the line changed meaning for him the moment Bucky died. Steve vows to carry Bucky in his heart until his last breath.

 

He enjoys walking on the boardwalk with the sun on his skin. Steve walks with Tony enjoying all the sights and sounds of the board walk.

 

During their visit, Steve takes many photos of Coney Island hoping to recreate a picture of Steve and Bucky taken decades ago. He uses current photos to compare against past photos to recreate the image. He laughed when a seagull fought Tony for his ice cream cone and won. Steve captures the image digitally and wants to frame it.

 

Steve had anticipated seeing the statue of Barnes and Captain America would hurt. But it also makes him proud to think about how brave Bucky had been. A real hero, his boyfriend, who had decided to stay by his side to watch his back instead of going home. He finds himself touched by seeing the people's memorial erected on a park fence.

People left personal messages of hope, comfort, and goodwill through mounds of flowers, stuffed animals, personal notes, cards, and prayers. Steve vaguely remembers the vigil being on national news after Bucky's death. But the memories of the days after Bucky died are few.

 

At the time, Steve was consumed by his grief, funeral planning, and dealing with the legal side of death. But the public was alerted about Barnes' death, naturally. The entire world knew that Sergeant Barnes died, even if there had been no public funeral service or viewing. The people of Brooklyn gather in support for Steve, even when their golden son felt so lost and disenfranchised after the events of the Avengers' Civil War.

 

Steve now knows that Murdock and Nelson, Bucky's lawyers had released a press statement written by Barnes himself before his death.

 

They had contained and controlled the flow of information to keep Steve's privacy intact. He would eternally grateful for all their hard work.

 

He had no idea at the time, not that Steve had been real unconcerned with what the world thought.

 

All that mattered at that moment was his entire world stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed this chapter, leave a comment down below.


	6. Waffles And Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short little update for July 15th, enjoy! 
> 
>  
> 
> Steve enjoys breakfast in the Stark household and gets his next clue.

After Steve's big emotional day, Tony wanted to give him time to decompress. Besides, that boy deserves a lot of blankets and waffles. While Steve visited, he was staying in Stark's guest room. Jamie, Stark's son, had been staying with Pepper and Happy. But the father saw no harm in Jamie dropping by before he had to go to school, the visit would be brief.

The little boy came by wearing his school uniform consisting of a navy blazer, khaki slacks, dress shoes, and a red and gold striped tie. He looked adorable with his suit and little man hair cut. Stark had chosen a stylish undercut for his little boy. Jamie rocked his hair cut with a bit of gel and wore the cutest pair of rounded tortoise shell. Tony was beyond excited to have breakfast with his son.

The genius always was available for his son, and often took Fridays off to wisk Jamie away on adventures in New York City. Stark's fridge was home to the many drawings and creations of his sons. He made time for his son, actively participating in the boy's life.

 

"Daddy, whose's that?", the little boy asked when Steve wandered into the kitchen.

 

It might have been unexpected, but Tony wasn't worried about his friend meeting his son. In fact, it felt like over due despite their recent makeup.

 

"Jamie, this is my friend Steve."

 

"It's nice to meet you.", Steve smiled.

 

He about died of cute overload when the little boy put his hand out to shake Steve's hand. His big hand swallowed the little boy who shook with as much strength as his little self-had.

 

That's how the Starks spent breakfast with Steve.

 

Tony made waffles and bacon while Steve sat with Jamie at the kitchen table. The two began to draw, and the morning fills itself with silly giggles. Jamie dictated stories, and Steve drew them out. They got goofy and creative, not caring if it made much sense.

 

Stark isn't sure who laughs more Jamie or Steve.

 

And Steve quickly became Uncle Steve, the little boy decided.

 

Jamie tells Steve about building lego sets with his Daddy and outings at the science museum. All the adventures they've been on, to Coney Island, the Empire State Building, Baseball games, and hot dogs in Central Park. And Steve tells the little boy about his farm, all his animals. Jamie listens with such much intent and kindness; he oozes a childhood excitement and innocence.

 

It warms Tony's heart to see Jamie and Steve interact. It also makes him ache, had Steve not crashed his plane. Perhaps Steve would've been a part of Tony's life when he had felt so alone growing up. He's quite thankful that Jamie doesn't know his father's hard ships and has been surrounded by love all his life. Even if they've had the boy's health struggles, they're together, alive and thriving. Tony is so relieved for that, Jamie is his entire world, his pride, and joy.

 

Steve would've been a great father, Tony thinks to himself.

 

They have breakfast, and Happy takes Jamie to school. In the morning silence, both Tony and Steve miss the little boy's energy. In fact, half the time, Tony wishes he could just let Jamie stay home with him all the time. But alas, the boy needs interact with peers and get an education, he knows.

 

"I like your son, Stark. He's a lot like you, all the best qualities."

 

"You're too kind, Steve."

 

"I mean it.", Steve says with ernest, a hint of Captain America honesty and charm behind his words.

 

"Jamie's taught me so much. He's so kind and friendly, happy go lucky, and compassionate. He's just five years old, but he's an old soul."

 

"How did you chose his name?", Steve wonders curiously

 

"James Grant Stark, James after Barnes of course. And Grant after your middle name. I didn't want the kid to have super large shoes to fill.", Tony chuckles.

 

"You named your son after Buck?"

 

"James Barnes is compassionate, brave, loving, and selfless. I see that so clearly, Steve. He loves you so much, and I wanted to name my son after someone he could be proud of." '

 

Steve laughs, happy, and sad all at the same time.

 

"James Barnes changed my life; I was finally able to grief, mourn and heal. I haven't stuck anymore. Bucky taught me that love matters a whole lot, and the way he loves you with his whole heart inspires me to be a better person for my son.", Stark adds.

 

"You're a wonderful father, son. I'm glad you're my friend."

 

"Me too, Steve. I'm really glad I know you."

 

Tony gives Steve the next clue, a hand written note with a rainbow LGBT awareness ribbon.

 

 

> **_Hey Stevie, I hope you had a beautiful day at Coney Island._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Did you get a hot dog from Nathan's?_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I sure hope so; they're the best!_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Your next stop is a little different, somewhere new in our old neighborhood. DUMBO sure has changed over the years from the thriving gay working class community we once knew. The history still left its impact on the people of Brooklyn._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I would like you to meet a new friend of mine._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_His name is Kyle; Kyle runs an outreach center for LGBT youth and young adults in DUMBO. I thought maybe, Captin America and Steve Rogers could team up and do some good. After all, I wish we had some to look up when we were kids, just to say that it's going to be okay, and being gay isn't the end of the world._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Yours,_ **
> 
> **_James_ **


	7. DUMBO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve vists old stomping grounds with Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of homophobic lanuague and homophobia.

Steve wore his Love is Love shirt and his rainbow awareness ribbon. He couldn't wait to show Tony DUMBO. They enjoyed lunch on a park bench and get hot dogs from a stand, one of Steve's favorite places to eat. Stark avoids posting any pictures of their day out until they get home. He's gotten great at avoiding paparazzi, especially since they've caught wind of Steve's visit to NYC.

 

"In the 40s, I lived about six blocks from DUMBO, a working class gay neighborhood.", Steve loved walking on the cobble stone sidewalks.

 

"It's beautiful, Steve.", Tony smiled admiring the old buildings and sights of the neighborhood.

 

"Well, it wasn't always a beautiful sight."

 

"Tell me about DUMBO in the 40s."

 

Steve dived into the history of his home and pointing out where he got into fights, kissed his first boy, and got propositioned for sex. Obviously, he had Bucky at home, no need for seady hook ups in back alleys.

 

DUMBO continues to be home to artists, but it's changed to be a home to a higher economic class. But Steve can still appreciate the vibe and sights of the neighborhood. In fact, the expensive price tag is associated with some of the most sublime beautiful neighborhoods in all of New York, with jaw-dropping city view. It's so close to the Brooklyn Bridge, and downtown Brooklyn, the beautiful cities of the city come with hefty price tags.

 

Although, DUMBO used to be poor, poor and very gay.

 

You were liable to be propositioned for sex on the streets or mugged. The Navy Yard is infamous for as a place for cruising and hooking up with hookers, especially male prostitutes. Sands Street, which isn't named on that map, was full of drag clubs and gay bars, well populated by both male and female hookers. During the day time, DUMBO was known for a bunch of automats, cafeterias, and restaurants that catered to gay crowds. However, when the sun went down, open gay socialization and hangouts were uitized for  hook ups and meeting other men.

 

It wouldn't have been an unusual sight for Steve to see men hooking up in alley ways. The neighborhood was often subject to police raids, fines, and arrest. Steve misses the working class gay community of DUMBO. Most of the folks who live in Brooklyn Heights/DUMBO are hipsters, upper-class people with money. But Steve was happy to hear about the Brooklyn Community Center for LGBT youth and young adults.

 

Kyle who runs the center is a history teacher who is known for his work in intercity school districts. Kyle runs the center as a safe place for LGBT youth, and out reaches with fellow LGBT people all over New York City. The idea is to have a network of volunteers who can offer advice, be a safe ally, and find a safe place for at risk youth to stay if they were to be kicked out of their homes or felt threatened. He bought an old laundry mat in Brooklyn Heights in 2005 after graduating from NYU.

 

After joining a small group session, it occurred to Steve he never publicly made a statement about coming out. He gave the kids good advice about staying safe in the city and how to protect yourself. Steve showed them a picture of him before the serum; he could understand where some of these kids felt. He had been little, pretty, and artsy, never super masculine well, until the serum that is.

Pre-serum Steve stood out among his classmates and peers; it was never a secret about his sexual orientation. He and Bucky had been at risk outside of their community for being subject to police investigation, hence why Steve got into many of his fights. Bucky worked at the Navy Yards for many years, and Steve was a pretty face, dainty little guy.

 

Thankfully, they rented from a friendly gay ally and had no problems living together in DUMBO during the 30s and 40s.

 

Homophobic names still scar him today, making him uncomfortable, hearing youth saying things like, "That's gay" or "No Homo, dude." For Steve, nicknames like homo, fag, and fairy make him cringe and bring him right back to the smells of Brooklyn back alleys getting beat up.

 

It's like he's sixteen, afraid, and hoping Bucky shows up in time all over again.

 

The visit makes Steve seriously think about Captain America's ability to do good that doesn't involve punching bad guys. He never thought he would have to come out, you know? He married a dude, that's pretty obvious. But still, Steve never made a public statement, always kept his sexuality to himself, even from the Avengers until Bucky came back home and they got married.

Tony notices how quiet Steve became after their visit to the community center.

 

"What has you thinking real hard about, big guy?"

 

"I never came out publicly, Tony."

 

"True."

 

"It's important, Tony. I mean I married a man, so it isn't a secret. But I think I'd like to make a public statement, ya know? Maybe it would help kids struggling to have someone to look up to, to know they weren't alone."

 

"Alright, Steve. We can do that. I'll have Potts give some suggestions for reports for you to consider."

 

"I would like to give Karen Page, a call. She used to work for New York Bulletin. She's an honest reporter, I trust her."

 

"That's funny that you mentioned her by name."

 

"Why Tony?"

 

"She wrote a series of articles about Barnes during his trial and after his death. Karen had positive things to say about him, helped him get established as a good man. Even wrote an exclusive about him after interviewing him on the phone before his death."

 

"I had no idea."

  
But Steve has little recollection about what happened in the world after Bucky died, he considers.

 

"She works for the New York Times now. "

 

"Thanks, Tony. I'd like to get ahold of her."

 

"We could even get you into a magazine spread, highlight the community center, maybe even a donation from Stark Industries."

 

"And Captain America could still go some good.", Steve does his best impression of his Captain America persona with that infamous grin filled with truth, justice, and the American way.

 

"Well more like Steve Rogers could do some good, the world will always need Rogers more than it needs Cap."

 

Tony's sincerity makes Steve grin til it hurt. He vows to do right by Bucky, finds a way to help the world without throwing himself into danger. The next clue indicates a surprising visit to Hell's Kitchen, a surprise location choice, Steve thinks to himself.

 

 

> **_Hey Steve,_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I love you so much, ya know?_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I hope you realize how extremely proud of you I am._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I would like you to meet my associates, Foggy Nelson and Matt Murdock, without them none of this would be possible. We have them to thank for clearing my name and yours._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I hope you enjoyed meeting Kyle; he's one of the good ones. And we need more places like the Brooklyn LGBT Community Center._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_I hope you find a way to be a hero without punching bad guys, Stevie. You have so much more to offer the world. We have enough people punching their way through problems._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_However, the world could benefit from little Stevie Rogers working to bring justice and peace._ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Love, James_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you liked this chapter, leave a comment down below and let me know what you think. Ugggg, isn't Bucky the best? The world needs a whole lot of little Stevie Rogers, doesn't it? I personally love the idea of Steve being a superhero to the world without having to wear tights and carry a shield.


	8. Hell's Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve meets Foggy and Nelson, Bucky's lawyers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the late update. I'm in the middle of summer semester finals week. Ugg.

Steve fell in love with the little office of Nelson and Murdock. It's a quaint hole in the wall that reminds him his Brooklyn apartment from the 1930s and early 1940s. Brooklyn doesn't have that feeling anymore. DUMBO And Brooklyn Heights are home to expensive, Brownstones that belong to the wealthier hipster community. He doesn't recognize his Brooklyn anymore.

 

But truth be told, Bucky is his home. Brooklyn isn't about buildings or familiar sights. Brooklyn is a smart mouthed dark haired man who always had his six, on the playground to the battle field. And his home is laid to rest under a willow tree on the Barnes' Family Farm.

It's strange to consider Steve may be separated from Barnes by death, but he still feels so connected to Bucky, Bucky is half his heart, half his soul. As long as Steve is alive, he will carry Barnes in his heart.

 

_Until the end of the line, pal._

 

Well, Steve hasn't seen the end of the line yet, and as promised Barnes is still with him.

 

Nelson and Murdock made a name for themselves representing Sargeant Barnes and Captain Rogers. They remained a small locally owned firm, taking the cases of people in desperate need of legal representation, unlikely people. Honest, good people, who deserve a fair representation, people like Sargeant Barnes, Karen Page, and Mrs. Elena Cardenas

 

The floor creaks under Steve's weight, the office is an older building, and he feels right at home.

 

"You must be Steve Rogers.", Foggy smiled, shaking Steve's big, delicate artist hand.

 

"It's nice to meet you."

 

"You too, Rogers. I'm Foggy Nelson, and this is my partner, Matt Murdock."

 

Steve eyed the dark haired man with the red rimmed glasses and shook his surprisingly calloused, strong hand.

 

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Captain Rogers finally."

 

Foggy motions for Steve to take a seat, as he collects a manilla folder from the desk drawer. Murdock takes a seat beside Rogers, ensuring the tissues are within reach. He gets the feelings Steve may need them for what's next.

 

"I assure you, this isn't just a social visit. However, we would love to take you to lunch.", Foggy smiles reassuringly at Steve.

 

Foggy reads Steve the will written by James B. Barnes, ensuring Steve is the sole owner of the Barnes' land. He's surprised by what comes. Next, a detailed inventory is provided and cataloged.

Several of Steve's sketchbooks, a collection of letters, Barnes' effects, and their belongings have been reclaimed for Steve to collect. Many private donors were willing to return the personal belongings of James B Barnes and Steven G. Rogers.

 

 

Steve began to tear up, and laughs wetly despite the tears, "Oh Buck."

 

 

"I have the key to a storage container where we've been collecting the belongings. Most people just wanted to do the right thing." , Matt explained handing Steve the keys to the storage container.

 

 

"I had no idea it was possible to reclaim our belongings."

 

 

"And that's not all, Mr. Rogers.", Foggy grinned.

 

 

"What else could there be?"

 

"Mrs. Rebeca Proctor has stepped forward with several of belongings of importance including your mother's china dishes, a few sketches of Sargeant Barnes, and a pocket watch belonging to your father."

 

"That's amazing; I thought my belongings were all lost, sold, or on display at the Smithsonian."

 

"Mr. Barnes wanted to be sure you had some items from the past. Important pieces of personal value to you."

 

"Thank you for all you have done for us. You both have brought my husband and I a great sense of peace."

 

"No thanks, necessary. It's our job, Captain."

 

"You have gone above and beyond your jobs, sirs."

 

Steve left the law firm feeling much better, less loss in a world where he's a sole survivor, carrying the memories his friends, his team, and loved ones.

 

He feels lighter, stronger, ready to find a place in the world without the stars and stripes. 

 

Steve sits on a park bench and cries until he feels his heart full again. He finds the crying helps, makes him feel better despite the fact he knows he must look ridiculous, being as big as a house and crying like a child.

 

_You can go home now, darling._

 

Man, when Wanda had gone poking in his head all those years ago, it messed him up.   Steve saw himself in the dance hall, dressed in his dress uniform with Peggy Carter in her beautiful red dress.  

 

He knows what he feared all those years ago. 

 

Steve was afraid of going home, the idea of being Steve Rogers again terrified him.   He feared he would have no place in a world if there were no war.  Afraid he would have no place in the world without Bucky Barnes.

 

When Steve came out of the ice, he was angry, afraid, and grieving.  Seventy years had passed, but it felt like two weeks before he lost the love of his life. To find out the weapon he put into the ocean so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands is the weapon fueling the new war made him feel like his sacrifice had been for nothing. 

 

Steve had died, died for his country, only to find another war over the same weapon.  And then to discover Bucky had been alive all this time, his wounds were reopened. 

 

It took years to finally heal from the shock and mountain of loss he carried. He still has nightmares, and PTSD is never fully gone. But he's healthier, taking measures to fight back and be a functioning person again. It's a daily battle for Steve, one he'll fight for as long as it takes. The worse is the the what ifs he lives with cause he didn't get more time.

 

 While he never got more time with the love of his life, who tragically died six months after their reunion, Steve can find peace in knowing how much Barnes had loved him. 

 

He didn't have the strength to open the next letter when Tony gave it to him over dinner.  Eventually, the scavenger hunt would come to a close, and he would have to go home. And Steve wasn't sure how to live in a world where Bucky doesn't plan elaborate displays of his love. 

 

 

 

 


	9. Miss Missing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grief hits Steve hard unexpectedly.

Steve took a deep breath. He struggled to find the center himself where the calm in the storm of his heart lies. Instead, he just cries harder. It's stupid that Rogers realizes he is a grown ass man crying over ridiculousness. Little silly things make him cry, like eating chocolate ice cream or hearing Bucky's favorite song.

Bucky will never eat chocolate ice cream again.

 

He won't sing that stupid song at the top of his lungs.

 

Barnes doesn't even breath oxygen into his lungs anymore.

 

Barnes is gone, buried six feet under the old willow tree.

 

A tree that might as well be the eternal grief displayed by Steve Rogers and his greatest lost, the love of his life.

 

Steve crashes into the mattress of the soft bed in Stark's guest. He can't breathe and his nose is stopped up from the crying, but he doesn't care.

 

His body shakes from the force of his sobs, such a broken and desperate sounds force itself from his body.

 

Steve is wrecked, Bucky's kindness and love are too much. He doesn't deserve such a kind soul.

 

The letter contained a certificate of adoption. Bucky, that loveable idiot, adopted a star and purchased a telescope.

 

Bucky is such a sap.

 

>  
> 
> _**Dear Stevie,** _
> 
> _**I love you so mu**_ _**ch, darling.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**I used to think you were the sun.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Literal sunshine seemed to radiate from your soul.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**You were radiant, beautiful.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**You were the day, and I was the night.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**The Sunshine gives light and life. But moonlight has its own beauty.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**I never want you to forget even in the darkness of night; there is light.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**I adopted a star so that you can find your way home, even in the darkest of nights.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Baby, just look up at the evening sky, and there I will be.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Love, James.** _

 

Steve cried some more. Tony had given tickets to visit a Planetarium and study the stars. It was a little much for his already overflowing heart.

He just really missed Bucky, and it's hard to believe it's been seven years without him. Steve can't fathom that so much time has passed.

It feels just like a yesterday some days and others a lifetime.

 

A life time ago, Bucky and Steve laid on their backs watching the stars on a Brooklyn rooftop.

 

Buck even dragged a ratty couch on the roof of their apartment.

 

They were just kids, eighteen and nineteen years old then.

 

As madly in love as the day is long.

 

Buck confessed to loving Steve since they were little kids.

 

And Bucky wasn't supposed to die first

 

Steve wasn't meant to see twenty let alone love Bucky in two different life times.

 

Sometimes it pisses Steve off that he didn't die first.

 

The universe is strange.

 

He has loved and lost Bucky twice.

 

And his world isn't the same without Bucky in it.

 

So he lays alone in bed, clutching Bucky's beloved bear and just lets himself miss his soulmate.

 

He has slept alone every night with just the teddy bear to keep him company since Bucky died. The teddy bear was a joke, but Bucky found he liked the damn bear. Especially when he went to the hospital to receive treatment, it brought him comfort.

 

Steve will never forget the day they went to build a bear and Bucky saw the blond bear. He jokingly called the bear Stevie bear and chose the Captain America outfit to dress him in.

 

So Steve picked out the dark bear and called him Bucky Bear. Bucky Bear wore a red sweater that reminded him of Bucky's red shirt.

 

Ever since Bucky died, Steve has latched onto Stevie Bear. The bear smells like Bucky's laundry soap since that's what Steve still uses since it's a grounding, familiar scent. Steve doesn't bother moving even when he hears Tony shuffling around looking for him. He's a pitiful sight, and it breaks Tony's, heart.

 

"Oh Stevie.", Tony whispers.

 

"Hey, Tony.", Steve's voice cracks.

 

Steve feels the bed dip as Tony climbs next to Steve.

 

Tony surprised him with his ability to be compassionate and knew just want Steve needs. He doesn't even use his words. Tony pulls Steve close, wrapping his arms around him. They lie facing each other, and Tony just kisses Steve's forehead.

 

"It's okay to be sad, Steve."

 

Steve sniffled "I'll never be able to get over him, how much I love him."

 

"I think that's okay, Steve. He's the love of your life."

 

"It's been seven years." "So what?", Tony asks.

 

"I'm supposed to move on."

 

"Grief doesn't have an expiration date, Stevie."

 

It's strange letting someone hold him. Steve is such a touchy feel guy. And Bucky was tactile too. The last time he let someone hold him other than Bucky was Natasha.

 

Natasha had visited them in the hospital a few weeks before Bucky died. She carded her fingers through Steve's hair and let him cry until he was all cried out. Steve didn't break down in front of Bucky.

 

How could he?

 

Every terminal patient grieves struggles and has to find peace with the end of life. Bucky would let Steve hold him, equal desperation between them. They cried and held each other.

 

They loved each other with a new desperation.

 

Fighting against time, time they didn't have. 

Now, Bucky's gone, and Steve wishes someone would hold him until he falls apart.

 

And he doesn't feel uncomfortable letting Tony see him so broken. Tony can't put him back together again.

 

But he sure can remind Steve he isn't alone.

 

Tony knows how much touch means for Steve. When the Avengers realized how much touche relaxes Steve, they had movie nights and cuddles.

 

Steve had been so touch starved after waking up from the ice. He all deserved warm and soft blankets, pillows, and cuddles.

 

And Tony didn't mind holding his friend one bit.

 

When Steve was all cried out, Stark listened to stories of a life time ago.

 

From Brooklyn's back alleys to European soil, Steve had many stories of Bucky.

 

Some made them both cry, and others laugh.

 

But it was nice to learn more about James Barnes and his incredible life.

 

At that moment, Steve felt more alive and happier. Bucky makes him happy, even just the memories of the life they shared.

 

While Tony learned of the blame Steve carried for so many years.

 

It is Steve who blames himself for not catching or saving Barnes from Hydra's snares.

 

Steve Rogers who gives of his body and mind until he is broken.

 

Rogers who wishes he saved Bucky Barnes and prevented Tony Stark from losing his mother.

 

 

That's all who is left, a tired, scared, young but old man named Steve Rogers.

 

 

And Tony doesn't know what more he can do to help.


	10. Planets And Planes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, what is with superheroes (and friends) crashing planes? 
> 
>  
> 
> *Frustrated sounds*

Grief brings its good and bad days. Steve learned to allow himself to feel the whirlwind of emotions. Most days, he is sad but keeps on living and making happy memories, doing things that remind him of Bucky. Life on the farm is so very different than being in New York City with Tony Stark. On the farm, he feels lighter being close to where Bucky spent the final months of his life surrounded by love.

Steve couldn't stop drawing pictures of the planets and galaxy. He just finds himself attracted to the sky, especially after Bucky adopted him a beautiful star to be his true north. Whenever he finds himself missing Bucky, Steve goes to his telescope and find his star in the sky. It dazzles with radiant brilliance just like James Buchanan Barnes.

 

New York City still feels like a grave yard with unexpected ghosts and phantom memories. Although, Steve is sincerely enjoying the little trips and outings Bucky planned for him. The places they visited stir awake the happiest memories Steve shared with Bucky Barnes a lifetime ago. Steve isn't ready to open the second to last letter which he stowed away on his nightstand.

 

Steve and Tony did visit the planetarium, which as it turns out they both enjoyed so much! In fact, they decided to take Jamie to see the planetarium on Tony's weekly Friday outing when he takes Jamie to see the city instead of going to school because life is too short. Steve make Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes, and enjoyed helping Jamie map out which train they needed to take.

 

Steve is drawn to the little boy; he can't explain why. Maybe it's because the kid's joy and intelligence remind him of Barnes as a child. James Buchanan always loved science, from school lessons to embellished science fiction, he loved it. That's why they went to the Stark Expo the night before Buck shipped out, he wanted to see Stark's flying car so badly.

 

When Steve shared that story with Tony, it made Stark's eyes well up with tears. He explained if he had known earlier of Bucky's fascination with the flying car prototype he would've gifted his father's car to Barnes as a project to fix. So Tony and Steve decide to work on the car together in honor of Bucky. And it's a great feeling to help Tony work on the car; Steve knows how excited Barnes would've been to see it work.

 

It's strange to share memories of Howard Stark with Tony; it's almost like they knew two very different men. Howard was always an asshole, but when Steve knew him, he wasn't cruel. Grief has an odd effect on people, and from Tony's description of Howard's lifelong obsession with the super soldier; sorrow twisted Howard into an angry person, and there wasn't any closure for his curious mind after never finding the body of Steve Rogers.

 

Tony reveals he understand now why it drove Howard crazy, protecting Steve Rogers at all costs is a mission close to his own heart. It doesn't justify Howard's behavior, nor the damage it's done to Stark's well-being. But it gives him some peace to know Howard's treatment of him as a child is not his fault. It's no one's fault, Howard had an unhealthy grief that morphed into alcoholism and depression.

 

Steve shares with a file with Tony written by Peggy Carter recording an account of several SSR agents, including Howard Stark being captured and his mind being controlled. Stark's captor wanted to find a way to manipulate the inventor by revealing his great weakness. For Howard, it's his regret about all the terrible destruction he's caused with his own two hands. And boy, oh boy does Tony Stark understands completely the way his father felt about Steve Rogers.

 

Peggy writes an account Tony seems like could've been written about himself, instead of his late father.

 

> Dr.Fennhoff brain washes H. Stark into revealing his biggest weakness. Mr. Stark's greatest regret is the loss of Captain America; he sees Captain Rogers as the only good thing he's done and regrets he was unable to save Captain Rogers from going to his death. Perhaps the magnifier of his regret is the fact Mr. Stark never recovered the body of the late Captain.
> 
>  
> 
> The aftermath of Fennhoff's mind control will require months of follow up for Mr. Stark's mental status. I'm afraid of the effects the hallucination may have lasting, devastating consequences on Howard's mental health.'
> 
>  
> 
> Dr. Fennehoff induced a state of false reality to make Mr. Stark believe Cap has been recovered in the ice. Using mind control, he bends Mr. Stark's will to fly a plane full of "midnight oil" gas to Times Square under the guise of Howard flying to rescue the Captain. The plane contained eight canisters of "midnight oil" gas that causes people to go without sleep. Our studies show the effects of the gas turn people into psychopaths.
> 
>  
> 
> It was my task to de-hypnotize Howard in time, while Sousa and Thompson deal with Fennhoff. To snap Mr. Stark out of his trance, I had to convince him and myself Captain Rogers is gone and never coming back. After Mr. Stark regained his own mind, he safely turned the place around. No toxic gas never reached the good people of New York. We were able to capture the persons responsible, and apprehend their evil plot.
> 
>  
> 
> A record of their radio conversation.
> 
>  
> 
> **Carter: "Howard, turn the plane around. Come back, and we'll talk about it."**
> 
>  
> 
> **Stark: "I can't do that. I'm done talking."**
> 
>  
> 
> **Carter: "No.....no.....wait."**
> 
>  
> 
> **[Jarvis to Carter: "Don't stop talking to him, I've got Mr. Stark's plane in my sight. We are one mile from land. Miss Carter, should I take the shot? Miss Carter?"]**
> 
>  
> 
> **[Carter to Jarvis: I need more time. Do not take the shot until I tell you to, Mr. Jarvis.]**
> 
>  
> 
> **Carter: "Howard, _Steve is gone._ He died over a year ago. "**
> 
>  
> 
> **Stark: "There's something up ahead. It's him. I can fix this."**
> 
>  
> 
> **Carter: "You don't have to fix anything."**
> 
>  
> 
> **Stark: "Peg, All I've done my whole life is create destruction. Project Rebirth was - _he was_ \- the one thing I've done that brought good into this world." **
> 
>  
> 
> **Carter: "I know _you loved him_. I loved him too. But this won't bring him back. Howard, you are the one person on this Earth who believes in me.I cannot lose you. Steve is gone, and we have to move on, all of us as impossible as that may sound, we have to let him go." **
> 
>  
> 
> **Stark: "Peg, he was good before I got a hold of him."**
> 
>  
> 
> **Carter: "Yes, yes, yes. He was. Where are you?"**
> 
>  
> 
> **Stark: "Evidently, flying a plane in Manhattan. I guess you can explain that to me once I land."**
> 
>  
> 
> **[Carter to Jarvis: "It's okay, Mr. Jarvis. Stand down.]**
> 
>  
> 
> **[Jarvis to Carter: "Thank goodness. Tell Mr. Stark to follow me back.I'll bring him home."]**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  

"I never knew about this.", Tony meets Steve's wet eyes.

 

"Never did I until recently. Actually, Sharon brought it by. Something about Starks having a soft spot for Cap."

 

"I don't think Dad never loved Captain America, big guy. He loved you, good ole' Steve Rogers from Brooklyn."

 

"Think so?"

 

"Oh yeah. I realize now that I never knew you as a person, I couldn't get past my own bitterness and preconceived notions to actually see you. I'm certain he saw the real you, that's who  the friend he loved was."

 

"What changed for you?"

 

"Seeing you with Barnes. He made you human, softer, held you accountable, and never saw you as the hero. You were his hero just being Stevie Rogers from Brooklyn."

 

"That means a lot, Tony."

 

"You both mean a lot to me."

 

"I'm thrilled Buck means the world to you.", Steve sniffled

 

"My son's namesake is a good man, not perfect, still human and flawed. But James Barnes loved the people he cared about with great care and passion. I hope that's what Jamie sees the example of a good man who is a great person because of who he is."

 

"I really like your son, Tony."

 

"He really likes you."

 

"Jamie is a great kid."

 

"You would've been a great father.", Tony affirms.

 

"I wish we would've had more time. Although given the circumstances, I'm glad we didn't have a child, I'm not sure I could've grieved and had a new baby."

 

"You're still young, Steve. You still have a life with potential."

 

"I don't know that I could love anyone again not as I loved him."

 

"You never know. Neither did Peg." "

 

Yeah, that's true. But may Peg has a bigger heart than me."

 

"You've got so much time to be whoever you want to be, Steve. Be you."

 

"What about the farm?"

 

"Whatever you like."

 

"It's my home."

 

"That big ole house, all by yourself?"

 

"I'm not alone. I have my animals."

 

"Is that what you want to do the rest of your life?"

 

"Yes."

 

"What makes you happy?"

 

"Bucky."

 

It never occurred to Tony that maybe Steve never let Bucky go.

 

And the words of Peggy Carter echo in his mind, "We have to let him go."

 

Oh no. Oh no, Steve.

 

_"What have I done?",Tony thinks to himself._

 

It's okay if Steve sincerely wishes to return to live on the farm if that's truly what makes him happy.

 

But Tony wants to be very sure that's what Steve Rogers really wants.

 

He begins to think, and ask him what James B. Barnes would do?


	11. Blurred Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shit.", Tony thinks, his heart totally raced when Steve had brushed past him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Tony has one kiddo named Jamie. I'm sorry for any confusion. I wrote Peter instead of of Jamie. I believe I have corrected it. But if you catch something I missed please let me know.

Something about Steve changed as he tried to navigated what he wanted to do with his life. He began to draw again, spending hours in sunshine  lit studio in Stark tower, his hands always stained with paint or graphite pencil. He found a way to share his story with the world through his art, and suddenly, the idea of sitting down with Karen Page for an interview didn't seem so scary anymore.

 

Steve isn't sure why he didn't think of it earlier, combing the two things he loves most in this world art and Bucky Barnes. Some sketches were happier than others, however, Steve wanted to capture the series of portraits to show the subtle changes in Bucky's face as he got sicker.  The progression as his body weaker, but the determination and stubbornness shone through his eyes.

 

His vision for the first time in long is clear, he knows his purpose to share Buck's story.  Steve wants to show the entire world why he loved Buck so much, that spitfire  glance in his eyes even when he couldn't hold his own head up. For a long time Steve repressed the memories of Bucky's final days. He's never told another soul what its like to sit in the big ole rocking chair with your thin frail skin and bones husband holding him as he takes his final breathes.

 

Bucky never was little prior to his death.  His body had been molded and shaped from hard labor on the docks. He had always been so big and strong, big enough to hold Steve safe and sound in his arms. Steve doesn't like to think of him as frail, but he was, that's the truth. Buck had stopped eating about 13 days before he passed. Barnes' body might've gone frail, but his spirit remained ever fierce. 

 

Death isn't a new concept for Steve. He knew what its like to struggle, not knowing if your next breath will come. So many times he defeated death, hell, he wasn't supposed to live to be twenty. Then he went to war where you're up your elbows in blood, guts, death, and destruction. He almost lost Buck to Zola, got him back only to watch him fall from the train. 

 

Then like some miracle, they find each other in a different century. But time never seemed to be on their side. And now, Steve's almost spent more of his life without Buck than with. It's a strange idea. 

 

Steve decided to take a break, he wasn't ready to paint the final image of Bucky. Instead, he decided to absent mindedly sketch. He got lost in his head space, didn't realize he was even drawing Tony. It's like his hands have a mind of their own.  He tries not to put too much thought into the drawing. Steve sighs, hides the sketchbook in his desk, he didn't finish it. But god, Tony looked handsome even in the unfinished sketch.

 

He roams into the kitchen to make breakfast, it's Saturday not even eight yet. Steve knows Jamie will be up soon, so he  decided to make pancakes and bacon.  Rogers enjoys quiet mornings with Tony and James. Tony is almost more relaxed, different, light, like he isn't carrying the entire world on his shoulders.  Steve loses himself in the ritual of breakfast making when he hears little feet pitter patter into the kitchen. 

 

"Stevie!", Jamie squeals, wrapping his arms around Steve's leg. 

 

 

"Hey pal.", Steve grins ruffling James' messy dark hair. 

 

 

"You making pancakes?"

 

 

"Sure am."

 

 

"Can I help?"

 

"Of course."

 

Steve grins at the little boy whose wearing adorable navy outer space pjs.  He helps Jamie adjust his glasses and tie his apron. The little boy climbs onto the step stool and washes his hands extremely well per Steve's instructions. Together they mix the pancake batter, adding chocolate chips and food coloring. The kitchen erupts with Jamie's giggles, Steve's voice singing a silly song,as Jamie sets the table and Steve flips the pancakes. 

 

It's music to Tony's ears, honestly he could get used to see Steve and Jamie being silly in the kitchen on Saturday mornings.

 

"Hey sleepyhead.", Steve greets warmly, pressing a mug of coffee into Tony's hand. 

 

Steve's hand gently presses Tony's hand, an innocent occurrence that probably meant nothing.   

 

"Shit.", Tony thinks, his heart totally raced when Steve had brushed past him.

 

 

"Daddy! We made breakfast!" 

 

 

"You did a great job, Jamie."

 

"Stevie helped!"

 

Tony kisses Jamie's forehead, ruffling his hair.

 

"Did you say thank you?"

 

 

Jamie quickly finds Steve and hugs his leg, "Thank you Steve! "

 

 

"You're welcome pal."

 

"Daddy, can Steve stay with us forever?"

 

Tony laughs breathlessly. 

 

 

"Pal, Steve is just staying for a bit."

 

 

"But I love him!", Jamie pouts. 

 

  
"Your uncle Stevie isn't going anymore soon.", Steve reassures.  

 

Tony and Steve share a glance, but its quickly lost as Jamie tugs them both to the table for breakfast. 

 

Steve tries to keep himself from getting teary, he and Bucky never got to have this. Silly Saturday mornings with breakfast, giggles, and a beautiful child. Oh, how he loves Jamie.  That little boy makes him feel lighter on the inside, brightens his dark days with childhood curiosity and joy. Sometimes grief creeps back into his soul, reminding him he's alive and Bucky isn't.

 

Especially, when if Bucky had been here, he would've leaned into his husband and whispered into his ear, "Let's have a baby, Buck."

 

It's strange to  think Buck has been gone for seven years. Steve knows he'll still love Bucky for his entire life as long as he remains on the planet. And he thinks to himself that Buck would want him to be happy. Whatever makes Steve happy would make Bucky happy, shit, that's a little terrifying to think about.

 

Steve can't shake the feeling, but he tries to enjoy breakfast.  Tony notes the change in in Steve's once carefree demeanor, he squeezes Steve's hand under the table, but thing is he didn't let go first. And Steve certainly wasn't in a hurry to let go, he might's held Tony's hand a bit longer than he intended. Not that he minded, nor thought much about it. He's always been tactile, the lines between Tony and Steve blurred since he stepped into New York.

 

Tony can't help himself as his mind whispers to him, "Dude, you love Steve, like  _love love_ him." 

 

Well, shit.


End file.
